I get so much junk mail every day – coupons, credit card offers, political fliers – but I had no idea there was a divorce mailing list out there too, and I happen to be an exclusive member now. So suddenly I’m getting letters from local attorneys offering their services at a discounted price. Seriously?!
The only unsolicited contact I welcome these days, regarding my divorce, is a friend or family member inquiring about my well-being. And I’ve been so blessed to have such wonderful people reach out recently. But when they ask if I’m OK, I don’t know how to answer sometimes, because that depends on the day. Or even the time of day. I can go from peaceful and thankful to wretched and sobbing as I walk from my computer to the fridge. And if I start playing Gummy Drop on my phone during a moment of self-pity, things can quickly spiral into a full-on “woe is me” extravaganza.
I understand that the grieving process is not linear. So unfortunately, I can’t just go down the list of emotions and mark them off as I go through them. Instead I’m realizing that I continuously have to release the anger & pain, forgive, move on, and in some cases, do it all over again the next day.
I love to read books, and I’m so glad that immediately following the decision my ex-husband and I made to go our separate ways, I came across The Good Karma Divorce, written by Judge Michele Lowrance. She has seen many couples tear each other apart in her courtroom, hurling insults and blame back & forth in an attempt to release the unbearable pain they feel inside. (Of course, that never works, and only causes more pain.)
So I decided early on, that the moment I started feeling any anger or resentment I would remind myself of the kind of person I strive to be – compassionate, forgiving, loving, and kind. And in doing so, I am reminded of the reason I chose to get married in the first place – because I once found this person worthy of being a part of my family. He was the person I chose to put all my trust in. For a short while, he was my best friend.
Just like we collect pictures, birthday cards, and travel souvenirs, we also collect memories from past relationships. And I choose to collect the ones that make me smile. The ones that remind me of the wonderful human beings we both were when we were in love.
So I may or may not be OK at this very moment, but I will be OK in due time. Just bear with me for a while.